October 3rd 2011

October 3, 2011 at 5:46pm

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If anyone had told me two years ago what my life would be right now I wouldn't have beleived them,how can a person who already indured all the bad things in my life have to go through hell worse than anything ever imagined.I have lived almost two years without my son and one year without my husband,and I don't think I can do this another two years. I still have my daughter but we don't exactly get along, this is nothing new,she has had her own mind since she was 2. My mother is still alive but is very old and her memory is going, my siblings are not part of my life, though I do talk to them from time to time,I guess the one time in my life when the worst possable thing happened to me the loss of my only son,not one of them offered to do anything for me to help,they showed up at the memorial, but no offers of help, not even my mother who at her age I can't realy blame but,I was hurting and only Bills family and freinds showed up,my neighbours did more for us.
I am truly alone now,I just want to sleep forever, I don't want to live without Michael,I feel so bad for trying tough love on him in the last year of his life, I just wanted him to grow up and take charge of his life, I should have seen he needed more, he just couldn't do it, I should have talked to him, hugged him, told him I loved him more,
Life just doesn't seem worth all this agony,and to watch Bill die of cancer, I would rather be the one dying instead of the one watching,it ends for one person but the other lives with it forever.