Grief

July 8, 2013 at 7:08am

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"There is no formal definition of complicated grief, but researchers describe it as an acute form persisting more than six months, at least six months after a death. Its chief symptom is a yearning for the loved one so intense that it strips a person of other desires. Life has no meaning; joy is out of bounds. Other symptoms include intrusive thoughts about death; uncontrollable bouts of sadness, guilt and other negative emotions; and a preoccupation with, or avoidance of, anything associated with the loss. Complicated grief has been linked to higher incidences of drinking, cancer and suicide attempts.

“Simply put,” [Program Director] Dr. Shear said, “complicated grief can wreck a person’s life.”"

giving up

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It's not so much that I gave up on life, I just gave up, because my purpose for getting up every morning was gone, I ran out of stuff to do. as a mother my life revoled around my kids every day, caring for them being responsable and now with one gone forever and one who is all grown up and has her own life, and a husband who loved smoking more than his health, i am wondering why am I still here? what's the point? work sleep eat repeat?

the abyss

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1. I'm still here 2 years later- deep down in the abyss, sometimes I come up for air and to see what is going on but I inevitably return down to my comfort zone, alone with my thoughts and my misery, my what if's and why for's,my cocoon of denial, where children don't die and husbands don't get cancer and the simple life I only wanted, just to be content just to make it though each day being with my family.I just can't join the human population right now, that is not where my breaking heart is, it is lost in the the past where moments that should have had more time focused on them were just moments forgotten, because we always believe we will have forever, but sometimes that DOES NOT HAPPEN. change is so hard but what is really hard is knowing you can't do a dam thing to change any of it, no amount of money or amount of faith,or promises to do anything it takes will ever change what is done

For grieving parents

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No,it does not get better,it never will.
I think about him 24-7,more now than when he was alive.
My life has no meaning anymore,everything is compared to before and after
Everyday is just a day further away from the last day I saw you.
A parent does not get over this,but somehow they have to get through it.
This is a uncomparable loss,it does not even come close to other losses.
It hollows you out and leaves an empty shell.
The world does not stop,there is no collective pause,lives go on.
But your life comes to a complete stop.
You are forever stuck in that year,month,day,hour.
Things will never be the same again,they can't be.
Because they took a part of you with them.

my little man when he was 2

October 3rd 2011

October 3, 2011 at 5:46pm

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If anyone had told me two years ago what my life would be right now I wouldn't have beleived them,how can a person who already indured all the bad things in my life have to go through hell worse than anything ever imagined.I have lived almost two years without my son and one year without my husband,and I don't think I can do this another two years. I still have my daughter but we don't exactly get along, this is nothing new,she has had her own mind since she was 2. My mother is still alive but is very old and her memory is going, my siblings are not part of my life, though I do talk to them from time to time,I guess the one time in my life when the worst possable thing happened to me the loss of my only son,not one of them offered to do anything for me to help,they showed up at the memorial, but no offers of help, not even my mother who at her age I can't realy blame but,I was hurting and only Bills family and freinds showed up,my neighbours did more for us.
I am truly alone now,I just want to sleep forever, I don't want to live without Michael,I feel so bad for trying tough love on him in the last year of his life, I just wanted him to grow up and take charge of his life, I should have seen he needed more, he just couldn't do it, I should have talked to him, hugged him, told him I loved him more,
Life just doesn't seem worth all this agony,and to watch Bill die of cancer, I would rather be the one dying instead of the one watching,it ends for one person but the other lives with it forever.